Advice
Jun 7, 2016 6:39:00 GMT -5
Post by JigsawX on Jun 7, 2016 6:39:00 GMT -5
I don't know if this'll amount to anything, but I wanted to try.
As most of you likely know by now, if not from me, you've read elsewhere, my father died late November last year. My life wasn't exactly stable before (was looking for a job for a while up to that point), but since he died, it's as though most of the energy has been sucked out of me. It would be fair to say I'm depressed, but at the same time, I've been depressed on-and-off since my senior year of high school, and while I feel even worse now, I don't know if it's really anything more.
It's not just the fact I'm generally not happy - as sucky as it is, I'm used to that. But since my father died, I literally feel as though I've lost my will to do things. I'm still looking for a job, which I need as I've not paid rent in two months, but as much as I know I need one, I just feel indifference as opposed to panic. I'm worried, sure, but it's a vague feeling, one which I can't shake.
What's worse is that I've found no way to think about my father and not feel sad. If there's one thing in my life I know he wanted for me, it was to be happy. And I'm not. This isn't what my father would have wanted, but I have no idea what at all to do, or how to move forward. I need to go back to college, but because I took more than a year off, I lost some financial aid, and given my mother isn't doing all that well herself financially, I'm guessing I won't be going back to school for some time. So I'll just be sitting here, biding my time doing empty tasks, unless I'm able to find a job.
More so, while I wasn't exactly stony before, I've become a lot more emotional. Some of it makes sense - my mother can't take care of the dogs we've had since I was in middle school, and has to give them to a shelter, which I cried over. Hearing some songs that remind me of my father make my cry also. Those are normal, but crying after Zootopia? Probably not as commonplace. But again, I don't know if anything can be done about it.
I can guess some of the advice I'll get. "Just suck it up, and try your best to move on." "I know you're going through a rough time, but get off your ass and go." Those comments never did anything for me. They're just empty words. That said, I honestly have no idea what I'm looking for. Advice, sure, but about what exactly? How to go about caring about things again? I don't know. I do know that I've been doing particularly bad these last months, and while my friends do what they think would help, I'm doing about as well now as I was immediately after my father's death.
There are some generic ideas I have, mainly get out of the house and talk to new people. I've never been a peoples' person (the only things I'm really able to discuss with people are politics and horror movies ), unless drunk, and I have few friends here that I don't already live with. And of course, those I do have here, don't really know how to talk to me. Some act normally, as though nothing big has happened in my life, and others are more inclined to give me personal space. I don't blame either of these solutions, but apparently it's not working (other possible solution: I'm not allowing it to work).
Like I said, I don't know what I'm looking for. Not really. I know that I feel like shit for not seeing my father one last time before he died (he was unconscious those last few days, but I feel I still should have been there). In fact, I think I was terrible to my father most of the time. But it's one of those things which I can do nothing at all about now, nothing aside from trying to accept it and move on.
On the upside, I'm not at all suicidal (which I've been in the past, mostly my sophomore year of college). I just feel more lost than anything, and while I see myself getting out of this funk, I really, for the life of me, don't see how or, perhaps more importantly, when. I'm up for any advice you guys have. And I'm up for any questions any of you might have. Private pms or here, it doesn't really matter to me. Honestly, I consider most of you really close friends, and so I have nothing at all to hide.
*sigh* Like I said, I don't know if this will amount to anything, or if I'm even making sense to you guys, but I did want to at least give you all a head's up. Thanks in advance.
As most of you likely know by now, if not from me, you've read elsewhere, my father died late November last year. My life wasn't exactly stable before (was looking for a job for a while up to that point), but since he died, it's as though most of the energy has been sucked out of me. It would be fair to say I'm depressed, but at the same time, I've been depressed on-and-off since my senior year of high school, and while I feel even worse now, I don't know if it's really anything more.
It's not just the fact I'm generally not happy - as sucky as it is, I'm used to that. But since my father died, I literally feel as though I've lost my will to do things. I'm still looking for a job, which I need as I've not paid rent in two months, but as much as I know I need one, I just feel indifference as opposed to panic. I'm worried, sure, but it's a vague feeling, one which I can't shake.
What's worse is that I've found no way to think about my father and not feel sad. If there's one thing in my life I know he wanted for me, it was to be happy. And I'm not. This isn't what my father would have wanted, but I have no idea what at all to do, or how to move forward. I need to go back to college, but because I took more than a year off, I lost some financial aid, and given my mother isn't doing all that well herself financially, I'm guessing I won't be going back to school for some time. So I'll just be sitting here, biding my time doing empty tasks, unless I'm able to find a job.
More so, while I wasn't exactly stony before, I've become a lot more emotional. Some of it makes sense - my mother can't take care of the dogs we've had since I was in middle school, and has to give them to a shelter, which I cried over. Hearing some songs that remind me of my father make my cry also. Those are normal, but crying after Zootopia? Probably not as commonplace. But again, I don't know if anything can be done about it.
I can guess some of the advice I'll get. "Just suck it up, and try your best to move on." "I know you're going through a rough time, but get off your ass and go." Those comments never did anything for me. They're just empty words. That said, I honestly have no idea what I'm looking for. Advice, sure, but about what exactly? How to go about caring about things again? I don't know. I do know that I've been doing particularly bad these last months, and while my friends do what they think would help, I'm doing about as well now as I was immediately after my father's death.
There are some generic ideas I have, mainly get out of the house and talk to new people. I've never been a peoples' person (the only things I'm really able to discuss with people are politics and horror movies ), unless drunk, and I have few friends here that I don't already live with. And of course, those I do have here, don't really know how to talk to me. Some act normally, as though nothing big has happened in my life, and others are more inclined to give me personal space. I don't blame either of these solutions, but apparently it's not working (other possible solution: I'm not allowing it to work).
Like I said, I don't know what I'm looking for. Not really. I know that I feel like shit for not seeing my father one last time before he died (he was unconscious those last few days, but I feel I still should have been there). In fact, I think I was terrible to my father most of the time. But it's one of those things which I can do nothing at all about now, nothing aside from trying to accept it and move on.
On the upside, I'm not at all suicidal (which I've been in the past, mostly my sophomore year of college). I just feel more lost than anything, and while I see myself getting out of this funk, I really, for the life of me, don't see how or, perhaps more importantly, when. I'm up for any advice you guys have. And I'm up for any questions any of you might have. Private pms or here, it doesn't really matter to me. Honestly, I consider most of you really close friends, and so I have nothing at all to hide.
*sigh* Like I said, I don't know if this will amount to anything, or if I'm even making sense to you guys, but I did want to at least give you all a head's up. Thanks in advance.