Seb Update (the short and long version)
Dec 20, 2015 15:09:58 GMT -5
Post by Sebastian Taro Groth on Dec 20, 2015 15:09:58 GMT -5
So I PM'd Z the other day, and I have been waiting on HMF to get back online, as I'm just not sure what to write. But HMF appears down for the count for a long time, and I consider the HMF family to be the closest thing I have to a 2nd family, even if I've become a slightly distant member. The guy who moved away and just comes around for Christmas dinner and then goes back to his mundane day job that keeps him occupied.
There's been a few small developments, and two massively major ones in life.
the easy stuff: I was put on a Performance Improvement Plan at my job, as part of our efforts to please regulators. As a regulated industry, the professional services firms have a strong bell-curving effect meaning people get swept into difficult positions. I initially tried to just work through it, but its become clear that the firm has a retention problem and I decided it was time to be part of that problem. So I have resigned in full and am now moving to a new job at the National Audit Office, auditing government departments instead. Keep the man accountable.
I resigned on Friday the 11th, on Monday the 14th I got called home, and my wife met me in tears, saying my mom had some kind of cancer. I called, results were due on Wednesday or Thursday. So I took a flight with no notice on Wednesday and flew out to Sweden to be with my mother when the news came in. Unfortunately for us, it's not good news. She's been Patrick Swayze'd as it were. Pancreatic Cancer, inoperable. The tumour is too big and near blood vessels to be taken out. It has also metastasized in her liver in a couple sites. Has note spread across her whole body (Stage IV cancer) which is just about the only good news. Having metastasized to a nearby organ means its not a benign tumour, and best I can tell it's a Stage III pancreatic tumour. The plan is to start chemotherapy as soon as possible, with the aim being to see how they respond to this and to allow this to prolong her life. But ultimately, it is still the case that this is considered an "incurable" disease. My mother will likely die from this cancer, and there's a significant chance she does so in the coming months to within a year. If she's lucky and it all responds very well, it could be a few years, up to maybe 5-8 years apparently. So I guess not all hope is lost, but I must admit I put on a brave face but a big part of me is trying to come to terms with the idea that my mother is going to die sooner than later. And its really hard to think in those terms. I do occasionally think things like "science works so well these days, in 6 months there could be a massive breakthrough" but I realize fairly quickly that this is part of the grieving process. I seem to have skipped a few stages in the Kübler-Ross model. I had the denial bit thinking there's a way through or some miracle cure or somehow it'll respond, but then I skipped anger, bargaining, and I'm now combining a touch of depression with acceptance, in ways.
The really difficult bit unfortunately is actually trying to reconcile having to tell my kids, especially Elena, about this, and about life and death and mortality, and to have her grow up with one less grandparent. It's just so difficult to even imagine never mind start trying to explain. It's just not a nice situation.
I can't work out what to do with my thoughts or myself, or how best to cope. the problem I face is that my sister is really not great with any kind of serious loss or issues like that, and she quickly crumbles, and my dad is also emotionally quite fragile and can't really handle talking about stuff. So my mother looks to me to be a bit of a shoulder to cry on, person to talk to, and as a bit of a rock in this difficult time, which I am trying to be. It's just hard to keep a brave face and even try to smile and joke when really it is quite a horrible and depressing situation. I'm smiley when with my mom and indeed trying to be with my dad, but it means that every now and again I just have to take a drive down to the store, sit in a café or little shop and kind of stare at my phone playing games to just disconnect from thinking about it all. I also thought it would help to just chat with HMF about random stuff, but it being down has rendered that harder. And so I thought I'd at least write down some of my thoughts and consderations at this time. Just to kind of get it off my chest.
I take it for granted that I can PM you all as needed, but I just wanted to write it all down to vent a bit. Many thanks my friends, and big hugs to you all.
There's been a few small developments, and two massively major ones in life.
the easy stuff: I was put on a Performance Improvement Plan at my job, as part of our efforts to please regulators. As a regulated industry, the professional services firms have a strong bell-curving effect meaning people get swept into difficult positions. I initially tried to just work through it, but its become clear that the firm has a retention problem and I decided it was time to be part of that problem. So I have resigned in full and am now moving to a new job at the National Audit Office, auditing government departments instead. Keep the man accountable.
I resigned on Friday the 11th, on Monday the 14th I got called home, and my wife met me in tears, saying my mom had some kind of cancer. I called, results were due on Wednesday or Thursday. So I took a flight with no notice on Wednesday and flew out to Sweden to be with my mother when the news came in. Unfortunately for us, it's not good news. She's been Patrick Swayze'd as it were. Pancreatic Cancer, inoperable. The tumour is too big and near blood vessels to be taken out. It has also metastasized in her liver in a couple sites. Has note spread across her whole body (Stage IV cancer) which is just about the only good news. Having metastasized to a nearby organ means its not a benign tumour, and best I can tell it's a Stage III pancreatic tumour. The plan is to start chemotherapy as soon as possible, with the aim being to see how they respond to this and to allow this to prolong her life. But ultimately, it is still the case that this is considered an "incurable" disease. My mother will likely die from this cancer, and there's a significant chance she does so in the coming months to within a year. If she's lucky and it all responds very well, it could be a few years, up to maybe 5-8 years apparently. So I guess not all hope is lost, but I must admit I put on a brave face but a big part of me is trying to come to terms with the idea that my mother is going to die sooner than later. And its really hard to think in those terms. I do occasionally think things like "science works so well these days, in 6 months there could be a massive breakthrough" but I realize fairly quickly that this is part of the grieving process. I seem to have skipped a few stages in the Kübler-Ross model. I had the denial bit thinking there's a way through or some miracle cure or somehow it'll respond, but then I skipped anger, bargaining, and I'm now combining a touch of depression with acceptance, in ways.
The really difficult bit unfortunately is actually trying to reconcile having to tell my kids, especially Elena, about this, and about life and death and mortality, and to have her grow up with one less grandparent. It's just so difficult to even imagine never mind start trying to explain. It's just not a nice situation.
I can't work out what to do with my thoughts or myself, or how best to cope. the problem I face is that my sister is really not great with any kind of serious loss or issues like that, and she quickly crumbles, and my dad is also emotionally quite fragile and can't really handle talking about stuff. So my mother looks to me to be a bit of a shoulder to cry on, person to talk to, and as a bit of a rock in this difficult time, which I am trying to be. It's just hard to keep a brave face and even try to smile and joke when really it is quite a horrible and depressing situation. I'm smiley when with my mom and indeed trying to be with my dad, but it means that every now and again I just have to take a drive down to the store, sit in a café or little shop and kind of stare at my phone playing games to just disconnect from thinking about it all. I also thought it would help to just chat with HMF about random stuff, but it being down has rendered that harder. And so I thought I'd at least write down some of my thoughts and consderations at this time. Just to kind of get it off my chest.
I take it for granted that I can PM you all as needed, but I just wanted to write it all down to vent a bit. Many thanks my friends, and big hugs to you all.